spending my 3rd day off and so far it's been great but the mind is not at ease. the hauntings of the booboo last week still lingers.

well, disappointment remains and it's been eating my mind whenever i'm not occupied with things. The booboo was one of the most terrible ones i went thru and i truly wish i could turn back time to find out what happened and trigger the problem. To me the problem is least of a problem... only words spoken was THE most trashing part. Hurling words like common sense, use your brain, worse than tada tada, regrets...trust me tonnes of awful words was an earful for me that evening. I couldn't do much though i have the most powerful people with me in the house, apologies wasn't accepted. Perhaps the correct word to describe the whole things was devastation.

one thing i could wish for ? Please let dooms day near so that i can be a coward and hide for life. It gets in to my mind because i knew this person before all these happens, this person was nice and understanding * only few occassions of  being demanding, yet it was still manageable*, and all of a sudden words after words came out hits me like asteroids, the difference here is it crushes my self esteem other than crushing me to death physically. I truly understanding this person is venting on his/her frustrations and anger.

 while writing, there's 2 sides of me. One there's willing to take the mess and the other is to defend my state. since the upper part sounds more like Option 1, Option 2 is more like ''it's not entirely my fault though'', how denial i can be. sighs. I swear that i've given my 100% for this..well...atleast 90% which i can guarantee with Goldie's life! I was there the whole time, imagining dealing with few persons request at the same time, jogging and juggling the best i could. If i'm a joker then i might be able to handle it tip-top since they are pretty darn good at juggling few items at a time. I hate clowns, i hate jokers, i hate mimes and all that colourful idiots with costumes, so i'm not. And i did not know that it was a death sentence to be away from the place for few minutes to attend a meeting till now.

Yes, the effect of getting pissed is rising because this person is not being truly understanding of my state. It's like you're married, your partner is your responsibility right ? Buy you can't see yourself being with your partner all the time because we simply can't! If i'm being blame for not using my brain then for goodness sake everyone should be blame for not using their brains to think of a simple equation like that. Okie, i wish to justify more but i strongly feel i have to take ownership for the blunder because it was under me.

That evening when i got an earful of torments, one of them came and said '' it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, as long as we get it done. ''. This person said it with a smile and i felt better. And to those i ran around for them, the last words they said was another piece of ''cry me a river'' note. That night i cried and i was being reminded that i had a strong team there for me, they stood by me and never left me alone to this battle. It was a tragic, and the next morning one of the clients called and asked for water because he was drunk the other night and now he's damn thirsty. I was pondering when it rang..should i or should i not ? Since i was as terrible as described might as well let it be but i picked up anyway because scratch reputation is better than a total damager one. Though i wasn't suppose to do it, but i could feel they were not satisfied due to the previous evening.

I wonder how nice it would be to be a famous hollywood star, they boobooed, yes, bad publicity but after a few box office movies, who remembers or dare to mentioned about their past ? The commoners on the other hand, no matter how much we give in, people still remember and chat up the past. A respected senior colleague told me '' it was not like you've never handle big scale events before and it was successful ones ''. But this was also the first time i boobooed one that i thought i could nailed it. Guess crushing my alter-ego was the right fit.

They decided to call us in for the post-mortem meeting, not sure what would happen but i'm making a decision now. Whatever the verdict is, i'm still going to continue on with my life, i'm not going to let this eat up my emotions and feel like an ass till the day i become a great grandmother. It's ending here and shifting forward for the next. I can't be taking words like that for truth, to anyone i knew better other than myself :i have brains to think and common sense, i'm not terrible ..not that much la. Maybe it ws meant for me to encounter this, life can't be so perfect at all times..now i learn and i'll stand up to be someone better.

on another note, i was at a friends house warming party. it was a small group gathering and we spoke about something funny. Then someone said something about crying which i begged to differ. She said '' crying is like asking for sympathy and creating unnecessary attentions. '' To me it entirely depends on that persons intention. I love crying, shameful to admit but i cry alot at work, not the long winded type pardon you. But when things gets into me, a few drops of tears is all needed and i'm ready to get back into business. Some people get drunk when they are stressed up, i can't drink well so the best i can do is to let tears flow. I honestly dont think it jeopardizes your image, what happes to being human at work ? If making mistake is part of human nature then crying is so. But i also do not agree with sobbering non-stop for more than 30minutes. ...wait when i say cry alot i did not mean everyday, just once a month ? ^__^ hehehe

Well, feeling better now. Going to enjoy my next 2 days off....

it's been awhile since i last scribbled nonsense...

if asked about life, it has been good so far. many things happened for the past few weeks but its all good for now, life has to move on in regardless of what.

last month i've met up with a couple of long lost friends, they were part of the mlm sort of groups or either that in the invesment line. I've know about their occupation, heck it, i dont care what you work as because you are still a friend to me at the end of the day but be sure not to ''generate'' your sales profit from friendship - thats all i'm asking for.

I think friends should not look at friendship as a way of a truthful test if your friend decided to get an endownment plan from you or join you at your high profile marketing network or not, to me it's always my decision to do what i want and not because i'm your friend and drama the way.

I know i have myself to blame when i met with them (both separate occasions), because the intention was truly obvious. what gets into my nerves the most is the way how they utilized friendship as an object of expanding their business. BULLSHIT to that. I dont expect myself to do such a thing and i expect nothing less from my friends. Why did i meet with them ? because i thought why not just a drink and chat up some past, perhaps meeting up with me wasn't their intention to preach about their sales. Guess i can never live safe with my own instincts because it was so wrong.

The first time i went out with this senior from college, she said she has to make a trip to Uptown for photo shoot and asked if i could accompany her after our drink. We went to this second floor office lot and for cows sake -it's a MLM company. She brought me into different rooms and at last i couldn't take it anymore - i had myself thinking, what good is a friend who can't tell me the truth and this wasn't the second time..it has been countless. I couldn't bother if i would lose her as a friend because the fact is that she never treated me as a friend genuinely. I told her i'm making a move and never thank her for the trip.

The next day, i met with this friend whom i've know for 10years, during my schooling days we had much fun and yes she helped me more than i could asked for. Perhaps i'm being ungrateful to her good deeds, call me a bitch then. . at this point i couldn't care less because i live for a reason and not to pay debts. geddit ? She works for an investment company, so when i knew i'm meeting her for lunch and drinks, i was really excited, the time and opportunity to hang out with old mates are really seldom to come by. While having our drinks, she said she has a plan to share with me, so the sharing rolls. It was quite a pushy situation because she was quite insisting that i get an investment plan for my future, i truly understand her worries for my future but i never expected that it will be such a pushy thing. Plus the plan wasn't as truthful as it turns out to be, honestly i was pretty interested with the plan since it's somewhere along my budget. Once i shared with my mom, she told me to forgo the plan because there were some hidden elements which this friend of mine did not shared honestly with me. anyway, when it comes to $$ who's the better consultant other than my mom and dad. Somehow this friend of mine seems to forgotten that my dad was once an insurance agent who is good at it too. Who's fooling who now ??

I told her i'm not going on with the plan, messages after messages poured in justifying that i SHOULD go on with the plan for my future...yak yak yak. Till the extend that she quoted upon our 10years friendship and draw situtations like : since you were to spend RM6-7 a day for something, why not save it with the plan...yada yada. she even used the phrase '' wasing your money for something...''.

Sigh sigh sigh, as if work has not been enough and now my friends are turning into money sucking machines ? It's purely my own life to live on my own determination and not on someone's advises on i should be successful to start a MLM business and not working for others. Hey, what's wrong with working for companies ? You can have your fair share of your enjoyment of being a boss but it does not applies to everyone around you. I like things steady at times, i like getting paid by others because it's a sort of comfort feeling. Who doesn't think about their future ? Everyone does, we work because we yearn for a better living let it be a luxurious one or a simple one. But i for one don't want to work like a cow and put all my money into a saving/ investment plan, what happens to pampering myself ? what happens to awarding myself ? what happens to living happily ? If all i care is to work and dump all my money to forgo my life ...then please shoot me..please do it. You know how sucky it is when someone tells you that, i feel offended because how i manage my money is my problem and not up to a certain so and so to tell me how to do the math.

Speaking of insurance, some just don't understand the phrase '' i've already gotten myself an insurance''. They will still flush you with their dozen of plans... please la, if you don't want people to dodge off when they see you from far, stop being a pain in the ass. Surpsingly these people are from church, hello... see also never say hi, say hi also respond like a stranger...all of the sudden these people decided to jump on you and ''be'' your friend. Call you la, text you la...Good Job. Wow, all of a sudden there are many people who are concern about my money.... -_-lll

FYI, i studied Tourism and i did my internship at a few agencies but i'm now working in a different field, some people are too deaf to listen when i said i'm not working in travel agency and still giving info to find out how much does a air ticket cost from KUL- Afghanistan. You are busy with your missionary work, well...i'm busy with mine. You are a somewhat leader i used to look up to but now i don't care a sight of you because afterall you did nothing much than occassionaly being ignorant of me so why should i bother helping much ? And a few hi and bye followed by a few heart stabbing words from you...please check the price ticket of KUL- FLY YOUR OWN KITE.

Enough said, friends are more than just a favour, friendships value are higher than your monthly sales, friendship is priceless. You should never call your friend if  :

* You are greedy for sales and force your friends to get your sales close.
* Pushing your friends to join MLM even though your friend has told you many times '' I'm not interested  ''
* Need something and too lazy to find out. Your laziness is not your friends convenience and responsibility.

If you never treat someone as friend, then don't try to be friendly with an intention. You know me when i was young at school/ college/church, i might be blur that time. But growth also means maturity... i have a brain if you dont know, i guess what these people are lacking are their EQ's and sense of sensitivity.

signing off with a smile on a face and empty stomach...need to munch.. yum yum.

the month of June holds quite a number of memories, there's a mixed of sweetness, happiness, laughter, bitterness, a few drops of tears, heart aching moments, surprises, never imagine my heart would beat that fast, loss of sleep, loss of appetite ... every kind of emotions you can imagine, it was jumble up.

it's wasn't a bad month, neither was it a good one but it's the best month i've experienced through out all the years of my life.

there are certain things i've never imagined that i would go through, it comes unexpectedly then again it also went away silently. I still remembered how i prayed every night and my wishes were answered...slowly i stopped and my wishes never happened as well. June was a month of playing squash, if i hit back it bounces..if i stop the ball rolls on the floor.

june has taught me alot about myself, realising what i should be and determine how to be a better person. June made me realised there were so many opportunities in the past which i've missed. I've learned that anger causes no good but evil, a very hefty price to learn something which is so basic and often preached about. On the same week, my anger has took a toll on 2 relationships, for now...one has become slightly better..another has went on a different path. That night i was wondering, what if i have not put anger into my thoughts would everything be better, would we have maintained a jolly good relationship or it was fated for such to happened.

it's kind of pointless for me to think about it because damage has been done, i dont know how to make things work and I dont intend to pray for things to work out because what was meant to be will be. It's also a good start for myself to put things aside and move on with my life, i'm trying not to narrow my views into a single lane...life is a highway. There's more to life than to wait for a flower to blossom. 

what is gone is history which is memories for me, i'm more than happy to keep the happy memories with me. Today i found myself smiling away the day, maybe somewhere inside i've begin to let go of whats not mine anymore, what we cant be means we will remain as friend. So dear friend, i'm moving on with life.. thank you for all the things you've done and said..i cherished the moments ;)

have a good life.

if i cant have the fullest of it, i rather not have it at all or if it's just a temporary thing i rather it ends here right now.

to wait for an answer is so tiring, i wish there's a beeper that would signal me instead of hanging mid air wondering is this thingy heading forward, turning backwards or stagnant at place. 

but the best decision at this moment is to make an end to it because even if i get an answer, i would need a proof that would make me feel secure. It's a cycle of doubts and insecurity and i see it going no where.

got this from an email....

------------ ---DECEMBER BABY ------------ ---
This straight-up means ur the most good-looking
person possible... better than all of these other
months! ---> Highly doubtful

Loyal and generous. ---> not so sure about that

Patriotic. ---> sometimes

Competitive
in everything. ---> definitely not, i dont bother much about wining.

Active in games and interactions. ---> definitely not sports

Impatient and hasty. ----> TRUE enough

Ambitious. ---> Not at all actually

Influential in
organizations. --->ah! if it's so i wont be getting lecture and scoldings from the boss.

Fun to be with. ---> i hope so too

Easy to talk to,
though hard to understand. ---> i must say, the hard to understand part is SO true

Thinks far with vision,
yet complicated to know. ---> i think ahead but usually the lame ones

Easily influenced by
kindness. ---> it happens when i'm watching movie la okie

Polite and soft-spoken. ---> i dont think so...ever heard i speak ?

Having lots of
ideas. ---> TRUE enough with lame ones too

Sensitive. ---> true

Active mind. ---> true, if not how to i think of lame jokes ?

Hesitating, tends to
delay. ---> triple the true-ness

Choosy and always wants the best. ---> not really

Temperamental. ----> true

Funny and humorous.  ----> hmmm...i think so

Loves to
joke. ---> are you kidding me ?

Good debating skills. ---> cannot be, i think this belongs to my mom

Has that someone
always on his/her mind. ---> who doesn't ?

Talkative. ---> okay, true.

Daydreamer. ---> very true too

Friendly ---> i think so

. Knows how to make friends. ---> i dont KNOW how to make friends but i do talk and greet.

Abiding. ---> you can call me a chicken la...

Able to show character.one guy/girl kind of
person.  ---> ???

Loveable. ---> i seriously dont know

Easily hurt. ---> obviously yes from all the countless bruises -_-

Prone to getting
colds. ---> not really..

loves music.---> who doesn;t ?