I never knew what stress really was, I choose to tell myself that I'm in no position to ever say that I'm in stress but guess now am in shit load of trouble. I can no longer smiled or laughed like I used to, I don't know why .. Honestly, it's whenever I'm about to enjoy a moment or being a drama queen, there's something behind pulling my facial expression and reminding me that I can't have a good time. The thing that's always mentioned on tv - there's a lil voice inside your head? Now I get it, there is a lil voice inside my head and it's doing damages bit by bits. Feeling of unworthiness, useless, suffocation .. All in all I'm having crappy feelings. Not a day goes by that I can truly feel free and happy, I really don't know how did I ended up in this mess. I the great master had created a problem but before that Ive never figured a solution to this problem. It's been 2 weeks since I can hardly have a peace of mind or even rest, my mind is constantly "on" even though I'm sleeping or I thought i am asleep. I've been rather cold towards my family, if I'm home I'll stay in the room the whole day, I'm feeling distant not because of any grudges but I have lost the way to communicate. Afraid? Perhaps .. To let them know how I feel and it's not what a daughter should have her own parents worried, I'm old enough to be on my own two feet. I'm afraid to fail, afraid of being afraid, sick of getting so uptight, damn sick of being myself. Apart of who I really am has sunk. I hope there's something to do about it. Nothing suicidal about this, I guess I'm just depressed for the time being. Just seeking time to understand myself better, I just want to have hope at this point of my life.

i missed goldie so much that i logged into my own site to read abt how i ''dump'' / gave her away. Thats when i realised my last post was almost 6mths ago. Every chinese born will know abt their chinese zodiac inregardless of your religion. I'm a tiger born in 1986 thats all i know abt, no nuts abt strength and weaknesses. 2010 is the year of the cubs and tigers, hear the great roars? From wat i heard of, the year of tiger is always phrase as bad year *why la?! If it happens to be true* or was it just pure coincidence that all bad things shud happened arnd these fallen years? Hmmm.. Lets see. When i was young, i cried so much that i think my parents would love to disown me, my brother revealed to me lately that my nicknme within my cousins was ''tofu tiger'' bcus i cried very OFTEN. Why cry you may asked?, i dont know...i just cry easily. Hehe, and i was ...quite sensitive, in the most little i-dont-mean-it words said to me will trigger alarm of tears. I saw my brother had more childhood photo compared to me.. I think by now you know very well wht i did hehe.. Cry lo. Once my dad got so fed up of me crying just bcus my cousins in Mersing went to a park whn my brother was still 2-3yrs old and took tonnes of picture and i felt left out, *bear in mind i wasnt even born/ or my parents didnt even expected i would come into their lives yet*. So, to shut me up nicely, they brought me back to the same park and took pictures of me...happy now carrmen? How irritating and awfuly disgusting i was back then haha. Later on when i'm old enough to understand why i had so lil childhood photos bcus 1986 was an economy crisis year, and my dad lost his job. Family wasnt even close to average earners and yet this lil bugger came into the world at the most wrong timing and who also happens to cry her lungs out so often... Damn it. Fast forward to 24yrs later *i'm still 23 "in denial stage"*, on the 1st day of CNY, i've landed myself in hospital with dengue and bronchitis, after 1-2months, i had such bad sore throat till i lost my voice COMPLETELY. Then nv before in my life had i falln sick or had flu so bloody often. And recently i had a very bad bad bad bacteria infection, gave me horrible rashes till i couldnt even walk properly...and still recoverng. It's just bloody horrible year for health sake. But could it be the fact that i'm catching up with age that causes health probs or just unhealthy lifestyle ie lack of proper exercise, diet and sufficient sleep? Its just a joke when i said my year is jinx cus if you KNOW! Chinese believes for example : i'm born in a year of tiger and 2010 is the year of the tiger is a clash and bad lucks will come in all matters. However, i did had a very good year tho. Traveling, having fun and fellowshiping with the closest ppl around me. God has given me a good life and i'm surrounded with good things too. So jinx or not, i believe very much is what lies in your mindset. If you perceive what you think its true, your acions or thought will formulate in such a way. So another balance of 6mths to go till the end of 2010, i'm gonna go with the flow. Should god has great plans for me, i'll see where does it takes me. Awesome or not 2010 would be, i just want to count my blessings that god has been gracious for keeping me alive and well. Thanking god for the superb experience i've learned and blessings of my closest ones around me. Moreover, life still goes on no matter what. So tofu tiger will pull thru it. X3

currently on the longest MC of my life.... 1 week due to dengue and bronchitis.

anyway..todays title is dedicated to the love of my life, Goldie.

how many times do we have to give her away ? we tried once and failed! you know now that i'm sitting on the floor typing this, its not a good feeling at all. the more i try to think the more it hurts. she's not a dog! i'm not in denial, she's a close friend.

a genuine close best honest friend!

we had her after our beloved grandmother passed away, to me she's like a replacement of the original empty spot in our lives. And she didn't come alone, she brought along 4 puppies inside her womb and gave us a shock-a-doo when she poops them out. I remembered chaos! panic! no signs of joy till my brother stayed up all night just to make sure she has finished giving birth.

the day when all her puppies were gone, she sat close to the autogate and gazed out as though she's waiting for them to come back..very sentimental..not. After few days she's back to her own gila state. Do i still have to share more of her rampage at home ? perhaps the ones in USJ has no shock value anymore.

just when you thought - Goldie, you are 8yrs old..what kind of jokes and silly things can you do huh ?

never belittle this fella, because she sleeps on the couch when we're out to work, she managed to climb on the Island Counter to steal bread / food!, she chewed off a wooden duck's head!, she went into my room and had a good time pushing off everything thing on my make up desk , she hides her bread / bones / eggs inside the sofa..which happens to be her favorite sofa for hidding.

who knows...maybe she turned on the TV and sleep on our beds too ? hmmm...

this bugger does wonders in our lives, thank god no one has heart attacks at home  ..joking.

we managed to keep her away from adoption close to about a year but management  has also been voicing out on the animal issue quite frequently. If Goldie is caught by MBPJ....i think death is awaiting for her.

so giving her away is the best option and decision made by us to her.

Goldie,

I'm sorry that i'm always late at home and i only managed to pat you awhile before i sleep. I'm sorry that i never bring you out for walks frequently, you can blame me for being an obese Lab but you're a cute one. For this 8 years, i really love you and i seriously hope we could live together much longer but as your owner i'm not able to protect you fully and thats one of my biggest regret in life. I miss you snoring in sleep, i miss hugging you, i miss kissing your cheeks, i miss rubbing your forehead, your ears and your belly. i miss you following me around, i miss your reactions when you hear the sound of plastic bags, i miss you when you make stupid faces while we're eating. ...i just miss you alot and you are an empty spot in my life. never will there be any dog can take your status in my heart. it's a heartbreak to let you go, and if i could i wont but i really have to let you go. it's not fair for you to stay in a condo and you cant move around. i just want you to know this well.. we love you so so damn much. we cant visit you now because you might think we're just leaving you awhile. we will come and visit you once you have settled down well. My only wish is that you stay healthy, behave well..you are no longer with us, and never forget us. We will never forget you alright !!

i love you alot Goldie... take care.

spending my 3rd day off and so far it's been great but the mind is not at ease. the hauntings of the booboo last week still lingers.

well, disappointment remains and it's been eating my mind whenever i'm not occupied with things. The booboo was one of the most terrible ones i went thru and i truly wish i could turn back time to find out what happened and trigger the problem. To me the problem is least of a problem... only words spoken was THE most trashing part. Hurling words like common sense, use your brain, worse than tada tada, regrets...trust me tonnes of awful words was an earful for me that evening. I couldn't do much though i have the most powerful people with me in the house, apologies wasn't accepted. Perhaps the correct word to describe the whole things was devastation.

one thing i could wish for ? Please let dooms day near so that i can be a coward and hide for life. It gets in to my mind because i knew this person before all these happens, this person was nice and understanding * only few occassions of  being demanding, yet it was still manageable*, and all of a sudden words after words came out hits me like asteroids, the difference here is it crushes my self esteem other than crushing me to death physically. I truly understanding this person is venting on his/her frustrations and anger.

 while writing, there's 2 sides of me. One there's willing to take the mess and the other is to defend my state. since the upper part sounds more like Option 1, Option 2 is more like ''it's not entirely my fault though'', how denial i can be. sighs. I swear that i've given my 100% for this..well...atleast 90% which i can guarantee with Goldie's life! I was there the whole time, imagining dealing with few persons request at the same time, jogging and juggling the best i could. If i'm a joker then i might be able to handle it tip-top since they are pretty darn good at juggling few items at a time. I hate clowns, i hate jokers, i hate mimes and all that colourful idiots with costumes, so i'm not. And i did not know that it was a death sentence to be away from the place for few minutes to attend a meeting till now.

Yes, the effect of getting pissed is rising because this person is not being truly understanding of my state. It's like you're married, your partner is your responsibility right ? Buy you can't see yourself being with your partner all the time because we simply can't! If i'm being blame for not using my brain then for goodness sake everyone should be blame for not using their brains to think of a simple equation like that. Okie, i wish to justify more but i strongly feel i have to take ownership for the blunder because it was under me.

That evening when i got an earful of torments, one of them came and said '' it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, as long as we get it done. ''. This person said it with a smile and i felt better. And to those i ran around for them, the last words they said was another piece of ''cry me a river'' note. That night i cried and i was being reminded that i had a strong team there for me, they stood by me and never left me alone to this battle. It was a tragic, and the next morning one of the clients called and asked for water because he was drunk the other night and now he's damn thirsty. I was pondering when it rang..should i or should i not ? Since i was as terrible as described might as well let it be but i picked up anyway because scratch reputation is better than a total damager one. Though i wasn't suppose to do it, but i could feel they were not satisfied due to the previous evening.

I wonder how nice it would be to be a famous hollywood star, they boobooed, yes, bad publicity but after a few box office movies, who remembers or dare to mentioned about their past ? The commoners on the other hand, no matter how much we give in, people still remember and chat up the past. A respected senior colleague told me '' it was not like you've never handle big scale events before and it was successful ones ''. But this was also the first time i boobooed one that i thought i could nailed it. Guess crushing my alter-ego was the right fit.

They decided to call us in for the post-mortem meeting, not sure what would happen but i'm making a decision now. Whatever the verdict is, i'm still going to continue on with my life, i'm not going to let this eat up my emotions and feel like an ass till the day i become a great grandmother. It's ending here and shifting forward for the next. I can't be taking words like that for truth, to anyone i knew better other than myself :i have brains to think and common sense, i'm not terrible ..not that much la. Maybe it ws meant for me to encounter this, life can't be so perfect at all times..now i learn and i'll stand up to be someone better.

on another note, i was at a friends house warming party. it was a small group gathering and we spoke about something funny. Then someone said something about crying which i begged to differ. She said '' crying is like asking for sympathy and creating unnecessary attentions. '' To me it entirely depends on that persons intention. I love crying, shameful to admit but i cry alot at work, not the long winded type pardon you. But when things gets into me, a few drops of tears is all needed and i'm ready to get back into business. Some people get drunk when they are stressed up, i can't drink well so the best i can do is to let tears flow. I honestly dont think it jeopardizes your image, what happes to being human at work ? If making mistake is part of human nature then crying is so. But i also do not agree with sobbering non-stop for more than 30minutes. ...wait when i say cry alot i did not mean everyday, just once a month ? ^__^ hehehe

Well, feeling better now. Going to enjoy my next 2 days off....

it's been awhile since i last scribbled nonsense...

if asked about life, it has been good so far. many things happened for the past few weeks but its all good for now, life has to move on in regardless of what.

last month i've met up with a couple of long lost friends, they were part of the mlm sort of groups or either that in the invesment line. I've know about their occupation, heck it, i dont care what you work as because you are still a friend to me at the end of the day but be sure not to ''generate'' your sales profit from friendship - thats all i'm asking for.

I think friends should not look at friendship as a way of a truthful test if your friend decided to get an endownment plan from you or join you at your high profile marketing network or not, to me it's always my decision to do what i want and not because i'm your friend and drama the way.

I know i have myself to blame when i met with them (both separate occasions), because the intention was truly obvious. what gets into my nerves the most is the way how they utilized friendship as an object of expanding their business. BULLSHIT to that. I dont expect myself to do such a thing and i expect nothing less from my friends. Why did i meet with them ? because i thought why not just a drink and chat up some past, perhaps meeting up with me wasn't their intention to preach about their sales. Guess i can never live safe with my own instincts because it was so wrong.

The first time i went out with this senior from college, she said she has to make a trip to Uptown for photo shoot and asked if i could accompany her after our drink. We went to this second floor office lot and for cows sake -it's a MLM company. She brought me into different rooms and at last i couldn't take it anymore - i had myself thinking, what good is a friend who can't tell me the truth and this wasn't the second time..it has been countless. I couldn't bother if i would lose her as a friend because the fact is that she never treated me as a friend genuinely. I told her i'm making a move and never thank her for the trip.

The next day, i met with this friend whom i've know for 10years, during my schooling days we had much fun and yes she helped me more than i could asked for. Perhaps i'm being ungrateful to her good deeds, call me a bitch then. . at this point i couldn't care less because i live for a reason and not to pay debts. geddit ? She works for an investment company, so when i knew i'm meeting her for lunch and drinks, i was really excited, the time and opportunity to hang out with old mates are really seldom to come by. While having our drinks, she said she has a plan to share with me, so the sharing rolls. It was quite a pushy situation because she was quite insisting that i get an investment plan for my future, i truly understand her worries for my future but i never expected that it will be such a pushy thing. Plus the plan wasn't as truthful as it turns out to be, honestly i was pretty interested with the plan since it's somewhere along my budget. Once i shared with my mom, she told me to forgo the plan because there were some hidden elements which this friend of mine did not shared honestly with me. anyway, when it comes to $$ who's the better consultant other than my mom and dad. Somehow this friend of mine seems to forgotten that my dad was once an insurance agent who is good at it too. Who's fooling who now ??

I told her i'm not going on with the plan, messages after messages poured in justifying that i SHOULD go on with the plan for my future...yak yak yak. Till the extend that she quoted upon our 10years friendship and draw situtations like : since you were to spend RM6-7 a day for something, why not save it with the plan...yada yada. she even used the phrase '' wasing your money for something...''.

Sigh sigh sigh, as if work has not been enough and now my friends are turning into money sucking machines ? It's purely my own life to live on my own determination and not on someone's advises on i should be successful to start a MLM business and not working for others. Hey, what's wrong with working for companies ? You can have your fair share of your enjoyment of being a boss but it does not applies to everyone around you. I like things steady at times, i like getting paid by others because it's a sort of comfort feeling. Who doesn't think about their future ? Everyone does, we work because we yearn for a better living let it be a luxurious one or a simple one. But i for one don't want to work like a cow and put all my money into a saving/ investment plan, what happens to pampering myself ? what happens to awarding myself ? what happens to living happily ? If all i care is to work and dump all my money to forgo my life ...then please shoot me..please do it. You know how sucky it is when someone tells you that, i feel offended because how i manage my money is my problem and not up to a certain so and so to tell me how to do the math.

Speaking of insurance, some just don't understand the phrase '' i've already gotten myself an insurance''. They will still flush you with their dozen of plans... please la, if you don't want people to dodge off when they see you from far, stop being a pain in the ass. Surpsingly these people are from church, hello... see also never say hi, say hi also respond like a stranger...all of the sudden these people decided to jump on you and ''be'' your friend. Call you la, text you la...Good Job. Wow, all of a sudden there are many people who are concern about my money.... -_-lll

FYI, i studied Tourism and i did my internship at a few agencies but i'm now working in a different field, some people are too deaf to listen when i said i'm not working in travel agency and still giving info to find out how much does a air ticket cost from KUL- Afghanistan. You are busy with your missionary work, well...i'm busy with mine. You are a somewhat leader i used to look up to but now i don't care a sight of you because afterall you did nothing much than occassionaly being ignorant of me so why should i bother helping much ? And a few hi and bye followed by a few heart stabbing words from you...please check the price ticket of KUL- FLY YOUR OWN KITE.

Enough said, friends are more than just a favour, friendships value are higher than your monthly sales, friendship is priceless. You should never call your friend if  :

* You are greedy for sales and force your friends to get your sales close.
* Pushing your friends to join MLM even though your friend has told you many times '' I'm not interested  ''
* Need something and too lazy to find out. Your laziness is not your friends convenience and responsibility.

If you never treat someone as friend, then don't try to be friendly with an intention. You know me when i was young at school/ college/church, i might be blur that time. But growth also means maturity... i have a brain if you dont know, i guess what these people are lacking are their EQ's and sense of sensitivity.

signing off with a smile on a face and empty stomach...need to munch.. yum yum.